Progress

     There are other parts that go along with this journey and this part is called 'Progress'. Progress is not crying every time you're in your car. It's when you smile so much your cheeks hurt and your heart is full of hope for new things. The prospect of a future different than the one you always thought you'd have doesn't absolutely terrify you and when a boy grabs your hand and tries to dance with you at a Cinco de Mayo party you don't run away screaming. Because one day you've gotta get close and you've gotta let someone in. It doesn't have to be right now (it won't be right now), but just knowing that for a second you felt something other than heaviness is a great relief. Just maybe you might have felt something really good. There's a conversation about changing the world and you let someone actually look you in the eyes and ask you a question about your life, even if they are a musician.

Heartache

I have been more honest than I ever have in the past five months, opening up to strangers and everyone else about feelings because we all have them but we just don't talk about them enough. So I'm going to take about feelings. Again. So, real talk:

A few nights ago, I was lying in bed, unable to sleep, feeling this deep inward physical pain in my chest, right smack dab in the middle of my sternum. Heartache. I began to do some googling and reading articles, as I often do, about heartache. Emotional struggles can cause physical pain. I carry my emotional struggles physically. I always have. I have chronic migraines because of stress that I carry physically in my neck and shoulders. When sadness is at it's highest threshold in my mind, I feel it physically in my chest. My actual physical beating heart hurts. This is a completely strange phenomenon that is scientifically proven to happen. Your body physically takes on the pain that you emotionally feel. It's that emptiness and sadness that fills you to the brim until your muscles tighten, your heart swells, blood rushes in, your breathing is shallow and quick, and the tears overflow. In another lifetime, I was in nursing school and the body fascinates me. God created us so well. He knew exactly what he was doing. Every action is just a reaction of something else that is going on. It all works together for a greater good. The tiniest of things inside of us is vital for survival.

Sometimes I feel so much physically from emotional pain but it always reminds me that I AM ALIVE. I am living and breathing and carrying on. Nothing seems to be different, but when you look back, everything has change. Not everything is okay, but it will be one day, and that's what makes the difference. Things won't always make sense or become clear but that's what makes life beautiful, is being able to look back and see that you overcame, you grew, and you changed. So feel it all, remember it, and let it go.

Where Do Babies Come From?

I teach kindergarten. My kids are really really great and I have such a wonderful time with them exploring the world everyday. My room is noisy and there is always something going on and that's just how I like it. My students speak English as a second language so even more reason for me to encourage communication.
Every day we go outside to the picnic table for snack. This is for a change of scenery and because I don't want them getting their grimy hands all over the place in my room. So we step outside into the sun and enjoy the day and a piece of fruit. Today it was red apples. I went around and cut the apples into four quarters and someone brought up babies.
I have an incredible story about asking where babies come from to a student last year, but that's for another time. Because of that answer I got last year, I like to ask my kids crazy question like it. So today it was "Where do babies come from?" Now, maybe this is inappropriate to ask a five-year-old, but it's hilarious so I just don't even care. I was all ears as they spilled their guts during snack about where they think babies come from and how they get there. Here are some gems.

"There was a baby in my mom's belly. They had to cut her open (gestures a cut from the neck to pelvis) all the way and just took it out! I was in there first and then all my brothers and sisters. They stayed in there til later and they cut her open again!"

"Moms eat lots and lots and lots of food and the baby is tiny until it gets all the food and it gets bigger and bigger until they cut you open and get you out of mom's belly!"

"I was borned and my mom and dad got married and I saw they got married and the pictures is hanging on the walls from them getting married and my mom ate lots and didn't stop eating lots until she had another baby and that baby was a good baby so we called her Jessica."

"I don't know, maybe from food and it growed like the seeds."

"You go to the hospital and the doctor cuts open your stomach (gestures horizontally at pelvis) and takes the baby out and you get it back later then they stitch you back up."

"When I came out I was *hehe* naked! (All the kids freak out) I was wearing no clothes at all!"

Today, I Own A Home

For several years I have wanted to buy a house. I thought about it more seriously in the past year, and now after everything that has happened in the past few months, there was no better time than now. The first house I looked at was the one. It was almost alarming how quickly I made the decision. I had spent hours and hours digging through homes online and knew exactly what I wanted. Before I even went to the house I knew it was for me. I showed up, looked around, made an offer, and within the hour my realtor called me and said "Congratulation! You're a homeowner!"

My parents were both there when I found it and were so helpful in making it all happen. I am beyond thankful for their support and guidance. I went to the bank and got a cashier's check for all the money I have ever saved in my entire life, signed about 375 pieces of paper, and a lady named Sharon handed me the keys. It was incredibly stressful and I have never scanned and faxed and signed so many things in my entire life. And the phone calls and details and ups and downs. This past month has been crazy taking care of all the things it takes to purchase a home. But now it's mine. The deed says Ashley Morgan Cauthen. That's me. It's mine. 

I feel like in the midst of the most uncertainty I have ever felt in my life, God is still finding ways to take care of me in huge ways because I have thrown myself into obeying Him. I don't do a lot of things right, but I sure do try. I have worked really hard for this. But I have also prayed really hard for this too. I am so proud and happy and basically every other emotion. Now I have to buy furniture and all that fun stuff. It's amazing and incredible and I don't deserve it but am so thankful for it anyways.

All In A Name

From the moment my parents knew they were going to have a baby girl, my name was going to be Aubrey. They finally got to meet me nine months later and changed their minds. I don't feel like an Aubrey probably because that isn't my name, but it's interesting to think about being named something completely different. The name was based off the Bread song and I found it on vinyl a few years back. It's a really beautiful song that usually makes me tear up for some reason. I connect to it like it was supposed to be me, but it's not me. I guess that sounds weird.

We all have a name that defines us and tell people who we are. It's how we identify ourselves and share about what we have to give to this world. I have a tentative baby name list just like every other girl and as more friends have babies and I don't, the list gets smaller and smaller. Names are so interesting to me, because they all mean something.

I have been mentally keeping a list a songs with names in them since hearing about the story about Aubrey. I know there are tons out there. Songs with names usually end up being my favorite. I listened to Marry Me (John) by St. Vincent and then Ask Me a Question (Matthew) by Mini Pop this morning and decided to create a playlist with songs with names in them. It took awhile and I'm really happy with it. I love all these songs. So you can take a listen if you want to!